Michael Jackson’s childhood abuse and You

Michael Jackson’s Death has dropped a huge rock in the pond of society’s psyche, and the ripple waves have probably touched you.  So it would be a good idea to know a little bit about this stuff.  Other wise you may get blindsided by your own feelings, or caught scratching your heads at somebody’s seemingly odd behavior.

He’s either the poster child of a child abuser, or the epitome of child abused victim  Or maybe both.  Michael as a child molester has been well publicized.  The fact that he was popular fits in with one of the common threads of child abuse – the perpetrator is often a nice person, above reproach.  On the other hand, he could have been a victim of child abuse.   A good-looking kid growing up in show business is a fertile environment.  All his strange behavior could have been his attempts to heal his childhood trauma.  It’s clear that he was suffering from some type of psychic pain.

It doesn’t matter how you feel about him, or the converage of his death. His death triggered something inside of a significant number of people. You may find yourself, or someone you know, acting a bit weird, a big jiggy.  It’s totally understandable.

Within the general population, there’s a whole lotta of us who have either been abused as children, or have a significant relationship with someone who does.  He’s the research numbers: 25% of all females and somewhere around 20% of all males have been physically or sexually abused by the time they are 16 years old.  Assume that each of them has 2 family members and 2 friends, and that’s a whole bunch of people in the general population.  Odds are that those numbers increase in groups that attracts people in pain like the 12 Step self-help groups and Ophra & Dr. Phil fans. 

Getting mixed messages and trapped in double-bind, no-win situations

The book on incest – “The Courage to Heal” is a must read. It’s clear and easy to read. 

But here are a few points it doesn’t cover.

As an adult, getting mixed messages is always a pain, no matter what the situation. Call it what you will -  “no-win,” “caught between a rock and a hard place,” or “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”   This is at the core of a lot of people’s serious psychological pain.

Within family dynamics, there’s what’s called a Double-Bind.  As in the Double-Bind theory of schizophrenia. A child is in a relationship to someone whom they feel vitally dependent upon for their physical and/or emotional security for survival.  And to whom they naturally want to please.

For example,

A child with a mother who got pregnant by accident, and projects all the bad stuff onto the kid.  The mother naturally buries these unacceptable feelings. But they come out. A child hugs Mom.   But the mother unconsciously clenches up, or pushes the child away in some way.  The child picks up on this, and backs away.  The mother says to the child, “come, you never show me you love me, give me a hug”.  The child desperately wants and needs to please the mother.  But can’t.  And this insane relationship pattern continues year after year after year. Out of frustration, the child may do some damage to themselves.  

Knowing this kinda makes you want to do some self-destructive stuff, like get drunk, eh?

A child being abused is trapped in an insidious Double-Bind hell from which there is no escape. The adult is bigger and stronger, and so the child cannot win by fighting. But to give in is not a viable option either.  How do they accept that they will forever be in pain?

In sexual abuse cases, the sexual contact may feel good, which is natural.  And that creates psychological conflict.

    As a child struggles to live with being stuck, creating Meaning out of why they have to stay helps.  Something like “It’s “For some Greater Good.”  “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” What a crock of shit this slogan is in childhood abuse. Or that by staying they are really helping resolve the problem.  This list goes on and on.  For a child who naturally has few if any resources, this logic just may be the only life preserver they have to cling to.

    The problem is that this coping pattern gets embedded into their psyche as they grow up. It continues into places where it no longer is effective. Where the person has other options, but they can’t see them. They can “Leave-the-Bad-Place”.  They get locked into perceiving that leaving as being a “Less Than” option.  Or a downright ‘Bad’ option.  These are perpetuated by athletic slogans like  – “Quitter’s never win, and winners never quit.”  Good advice on the football field, but destructive when applied to childhood trauma. Or other bumper sticker axioms -  “You can’t run away from your problems,” or  “Don’t take the geographical cure.”  Again, these have their place, but not in a no-win situations

     What abused people need to be taught is that it’s not only ok to leave, it’s the smart, sane and healthy thing to do.  Because the 1^st rule of any unhealthy group is that no body can leave.

     So back to Michael Jackson.  Lets assume that lots of folks have ‘successfully’ sweep their child abuse dirt under the carpet.  Or have healed to some degree.  Then Michael, he up and dies. This moves the carpet and we start sneezing.  Or suddenly you’re irritable because your place feels messed up. Or other symptoms.  But you don’t know why.  And neither do your friends.  All anyone knows is that something is out of wack.

     This is the Michael Jackson affect.

Two stories.

    A few weeks ago I was rock climbing down at the Red River Gorge.  It’s a world famous place for Sport climber – indoor climbers.  Miguel’s campground is the central meeting place.  Most everybody is a lean Twenty Something or younger.  I’m old, and Old school from the 70’s and 80’s. Of which being rude, crude & socially unacceptable is a social norm. One young gal, she got offended.  Really offended.  No sincere apologies would do, and she stayed upset for the rest of her stay.

     The leader of her group figured maybe it was a case of being too sensitive. But after the 2^nd incident a few days later, I put the pieces together. She was suffering, caught up in the Michael Jackson effect. It didn’t matter if was her or someone she knew. She was being the right amount of sensitive for her pain.

    The 2^nd incident occurred a few days later, at the start of a sacred Native American ceremony.  During an important part, mixed messages trapped one of the leaders.  Two unacceptable choices. He took one option, and then felt he had done something dishonorable and completely horrible. He took his anguish out on himself, destroying something that had been sacred to him for 17 some years.  He was blinded to a viable 3^rd choice. Then I knew.  And knowing helped me make sense of the weird stuff that continued to happen over the next 4 days.  It wasn’t until the end that I put it all together as the Michael Jackson Effect.

Moving forward means gaining Insight.

    Michael Jackson is a tragic icon, no matter what your feelings are. Listening to our reactions has the potential for personal growth and insight. Learning about child abuse is a good thing. It’s not gonna stop happening. Being touched by the stories of Survivors can only open us up to more compassionate options when it does happen.